Antisocial

More than once, I have said that I am socially awkward, to put it mildly. If I want to be completely honest though, what I suffer from is a type of social retardation which of course, isn’t half as cool as the Asperger Syndrome. I attended a seminar about it and even though I seem to have many of the “symptoms”, I, sadly, can’t call dibs on that particular syndrome. I’m sure that in the future, scientists from all over the world will start killing each other, over a chance to study me first, but for now, I’m just considered antisocial. Which isn’t such an awful thing, if you ask me but it can become quite frustrating, once you start insulting the people you care about with your unacceptable behaviour. When you combine this wonderful quality with my natural shyness, disaster ensues.

Is that one of the reasons why I can never find the right thing to say at a funeral or other such amusing events? Or is it a virus that causes my linguistic and thinking skills to malfunction and even break down altogether, to the point where people just stop calling me and caring about what I have to say? A certain friend of mine -I have so very few of those- kindly explained to me that I’m simply too sincere and uninhibited and that scares people away. He also said he finds my character very charming. And to top that, he said he’s always thought -get ready to be shocked- that I... am... cool! To which I replied “I resent that statement”, thus proving how much of a twat I am. Learn to take a compliment, why don’t you?

Which brings me to another point... I have mastered the skill of making compliments. My compliments can be so elaborate, I can actually see stars twinkling in people’s eyes and little hearts floating around their heads! It’s only that my compliments are rarely heard by human ears because I admire things that others may consider odd. Such as intellect and logic. Brutal honesty... That’s about it (maybe not, I don’t know...). And eventhough my compliments have the remarkable ability of blowing metaphorical socks off, I can never take one (Compliment, not sock. Obviously.) with the grace that befits my gender. Whenever someone would tell me how pretty I looked, I would raise my fist and be ready to launch an attack. “Is that your idea of a joke? Do you think you’re being funny?” Comments such as this one, tend to make people think you are a bit insane...

On paper (and/or computer screen) I am very eloquent and funny and peope like me. In face to face situations, I suck. I forget most of my excellent vocabulary and nod or when I absolutely must speak, I form the shortest sentences. This, instantly, tags me as either a snob or an idiot. But I’ve come up with certain techniques which seem to confuse human beings, as if they were deer presented with the strange sight of headlights! I hardly ever use them anymore but I’m sure there are others like me out in the world. ;)

-Never forget to smile. Even when you think the person talking to you, already knows that you’re smiling inside.

-Memorise a couple of jokes. It creates the idea that you are funny, even if you aren’t.

-Memorise more than a couple of useless trivia. If no one in your company has ever heard of them before, you come off as interesting and cultured. If someone has, they will believe you have things in common.

-Laugh at jokes. Don’t overdo it though. It might make you look stupid. You can refrain from laughing, if there are, at least, two more people who are not laughing. That means the joke was really bad.

-Dance. When there’s nothing someone can tell you that you may find remotely interesting and there’s a dancefloor nearby, just dance.

-Have a drink. It will help you relax. ONE drink is usually enough. You don’t want to be too relaxed.

-Keep a friend close. It will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. If it all goes to shit, you can find comfort in your friend’s company. (Important: Imaginary friends don’t have the same effect.)

"I've gotten better at not making people feel uncomfortable with my shyness." Clea Duvall
Maybe not yet, but soon.