What a ride this film was. There’s something in it for everyone. Romance! Horror! Communism! And in spite of how much fun I’m going to make of it, I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who is willing and able to watch it.
Our story begins somewhere in Romania, where Count Dracula’s life is in shambles. His castle seems to be falling apart, his beloved sister very much resembles a ghost and the Count himself is very close to dying because HE CAN’T FIND VIRGINS TO DRAIN OF THEIR PURE, DELICIOUS BLOOD. His loyal servant, Anton, tells him they should pack up and go search for virgins elsewhere and even though his admonition is met with protests because “I can’t leave without all of my stuff and, most importantly, I have nothing trendy to wear”, they put Dracula’s sister in her coffin –to die a lonely and agonizing death- and they leave for Italy, where people are somehow more religious than in Romania and the place is bound to be crawling with virgins for sure.
Since they
can’t really start attacking people immediately, they go to an inn and Anton
leaves the Count in order to find out if there are any “pure” women left around
that area. But Count Dracula is very ill; he keeps convulsing and shaking, in
desperate need of sustenance. Earlier, he had commented that there are so many
weird vegetables in Italy and he should make do with some Romanian lettuce, not
those crappy chickens the inn had to offer. But nooooo, lettuce won’t do anymore.
Now he has to twitch and gag like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum. Now he
definitely has to have blood. So Anton, by some extraordinary coincidence,
manages to soak a chunk of bread in blood. The Count is safe for one more day.
Anton, the
useful little imp that he is, also manages to find a respectable family that
the Count can visit and, pretending to be looking for a wife, pick one of their
four daughters to feed from. Now, this is all well and good but… The eldest
daughter has been engaged before, so she’s out because, according to her
parents, she’s used goods. The youngest one is 14 years of age so, no. The
other two daughters that are eligible for marriage aren’t all that virginal.
You see, they’re modern women. They read novels, for crying out loud! They do
the gardening with their tits out. And they also frequently have sex with the
only employee of the house, Mario.
Here we see
Rubinia and Mario totally being not virgins, as Saphiria watches while eating
strawberries.
The family
is convinced that marrying off one of their daughters to the Count will save
them from their financial troubles, so when he shows up at their home, with his
coffin resting awkwardly on the top of his car, they see nothing wrong with
anything and very eagerly welcome him, at the same time assuring him that they
will take special care of his vegetarian diet. The father is adamant on his
opinion that the name Dracula is a good, trustworthy name and nothing could go
wrong, absolutely nothing. Names ending in –ula are super good names
apparently, he says with conviction and a cheerful manner which puts Austen’s
silly parent theme to shame.
Saphiria is the first to be offered to the Count. She hates the thought of marrying this weird man, so pale and so old-fashioned, especially because she doesn’t want to go away to Romania and leave her sister, Rubinia, behind. Rubinia makes it very very clear that she doesn’t care and would leave Saphiria in a heartbeat, if she ever had the chance to marry someone rich. But there is one more reason that Saphiria doesn’t want to marry the Count. Unfortunately for her, she is in love with Mario.
Mario, while very attractive and, allegedly, good in bed, is a piece of shit. Listen, I get the class hatred, I really do but this guy tells the two girls he’s banging how much he hates them constantly. He tells them how the poor people in Russia killed the rich people and took all of their belongings and how their time is coming. He calls them bitches every chance he gets. He casually mentions how he would love to rape their little sister, Perla. At some point, he slaps Rubinia and immediately makes her go down on him. But he talks a lot of communism and noble women at the time found that very arousing I guess? I don’t know if it’s perfectly clear yet but Mario is not a good guy.
Mmmm, communism, so sexy.
Saphiria is
sent to the Count’s room with a tray of vegetables because, as mentioned a
bajillion times before, Count Dracula is a hardcore vegetarian and there, he
questions her about boys; has she had any boyfriends, how is it possible that
such a pretty girl has never had sex (all inappropriate questions to ask any
woman at the time) and all that jazz. She swears up and down that she is a
virgin but regrets it immediately when he says he believes her, because he
bites her and very sloppily sucks her blood. He regrets it as well because
non-virgin blood makes him sick, he turns a very unhealthy shade of green and ends
up puking in the bath tub.
One sister
revealed to be sexually active, he moves on to Rubinia, while Saphiria stops
talking to people and looks generally unwell. For some strange reason, the
first private conversation between Rubinia and Count Dracula happens in his
bathroom, with him sitting on the toilet. A very respectable and normal place
to have a conversation with a young woman you barely know. The discussion turns
to sex very quickly and just like her sister before her, Rubinia swears she’s a
virgin, secretly hoping he will decide to marry her and soon leave her a very
rich widow. I bet your previous wife had very nice clothes, she says. No, she
liked to read, he responds, as though the one excludes the other. And after a
lot of intense “you’re not a virgin”, “yes, I am”, Rubinia FINALLY notices he
doesn’t have a reflection and tries to get away. She doesn’t.
For a
moment, Dracula believes he has finally gotten lucky, he might get rid of this
cough he’s had and he might actually be able to gain full use of his legs again
but alas, it’s not meant to be. This time, he throws up in the bidet. Anton
decides to make an appearance in order to pick up his master from the floor, as
the poor Count repeats once more how much he hates this and honestly, between
all the heaving and him previously expressing he wishes to go back home and die
in peace, I believe him. This is unbearable to watch. If you’re not Mario, that
is, because Mario had no problem just standing around and watching Count
Dracula crawl up the stairs like a terminally ill earthworm.
Mario, a total hero and all around good guy.
Anton, for
once respecting his master’s wishes, informs the mother of the family that they
are very grateful for their hospitality but since there are no more daughters
Count Dracula could marry, they will pack their bags and drive back to Romania.
There, he notices Perla for the first time, slyly tries to deduce if they would
allow their teenager to marry his master but they really really won’t and Anton
takes his leave. Between all this craziness and blood thirst, the Count finds
the eldest sister, Esmeralda, sitting alone at her desk and the two begin a
conversation which has, surprisingly, very little to do with sex. She tells him
about her engagement that fell through, how her family is now quite poor
because of her father’s gambling everything away and he wonders how such an
intelligent woman is single. At this point, I ship them so hard, I wish he
could make her his undead bride, have the both of them kill Mario in some
gruesome way and then watch them run away to Romania to live happily ever
after.
It is too
late though. Mario is somehow figuring out that the Count is a vampire (duh) as
the previously bitten sisters make their way to the youngest sister’s room and
ask her to come with them to Count Dracula’s room. She fights them
unconvincingly and manages to escape, running into the disgusting hero of this
story, Mario.
Mario tells her about vampires, explains that her sisters are under the vampire’s spell and the exact same thing will happen to her if they don’t manage to kill the Count soon enough. So, instead of trying to find a stake or any other survivors in the house, Mario has a brilliant idea about how to save Perla from certain blood-sucking. Care to guess what his perfect solution is? If you guessed rape, then you are correct.
My hero.
Perla seems
to be struggling less and less and groping more and more, when her mother
catches them in the act and seems somewhat annoyed, instead of going full demon
on this disgusting man who has just raped her youngest daughter. Mario tells
her it’s all her fault because she allowed the Count into her home and
basically forced him to rape her daughter in lieu of, oh I don’t know, just
going after the vampire and killing him! It’s not as if the Count is in his
vampire prime. He can barely stand on his own two legs. I don’t think he could
do any serious harm to anyone. Biting the other two sisters was just pure luck
and by this point, he’s much weaker than before. You could kill him with a
handkerchief, for fuck’s sake!
Count Dracula, who has heard this exchange while he was hiding in a dark corner, waits for them to leave and, in a fit of despair, drops to the floor and STARTS LICKING THE BLOOD LEFT FROM PERLA’S BROKEN HYMEN! I kid you not, this is at the same time the funniest and most heartbreaking thing in the film. Esmeralda finds him in this pitiful state and when he turns to look at her, he’s frightened and ashamed.
The others (minus the father who, for some reason, has taken a sample of the Count’s urine to London to be tested for something, I don’t know, don’t ask me how he even got the sample in the first place) gather in the living room, where the bitten sisters are kinda feeling each other up, and Mario tells them he’s gonna grab his axe and kill the monster. Anton and Count Dracula run to get the coffin and fucking skedaddle but Mario intercepts them and smashes it to bits with his axe, and the duo scatters. Anton is then killed by the mother like an absolute idiot and Count Dracula gets his limbs cut off by Mario, one by one, all the while saying that Mario can’t hurt him because he’s not like humans, as he bleeds out in the garden. And then Esmeralda, recently bitten, comes running like a shrieking banshee.
She begs Mario to let her take the Count away and allow them to die together which, at this point, is a certainty. Count Dracula is paler than usual, he has lost the ability to form sentences or even utter words and, well, look at him. Virgin blood can’t save him now. He’s beyond saving. Esmeralda’s screams are desperate as Mario, being a really butch manly man, puts a stake through Count Dracula’s heart. Dearest darling Esmeralda can’t bear this and after letting out another blood curdling scream, she throws herself at the stake and dies with her beloved. And it’s beautiful, despite the fact that her beloved is horribly dismembered.
Perla, the poor idiot, comes out to see what’s happened and looks at the bodies with an apparent inability to emote. Sure, it’s not like her sister just died or anything, nothing to be upset about. Mario takes her by the hand and together they walk back inside the house and close the door behind them. How did Mario come out on top of all this? I am still baffled. Mario is a complete and utter prick. But he saved the day, I GUESS, so let’s build him a statue? (I’d like to imagine that as soon as they get back inside, all the women gather around Mario, tear him limb from limb with their bare hands and then throw his remains outside to be eaten by wolves.)
So, this is what I had to say. The film was beautiful and I will definitely watch it again. If anything, it’s at least loyal to its own lore, unlike some other horrible vampire movie I watched recently (*cough* Dracula Untold *cough*).
Count Dracula just wants to go to his room and write sad poetry.
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