[...] and patiently wait for the crying fit to pass, wondering if this pain in my chest is a sign of an impending heart attack. Aren't I too young to die after all? (Rather long title for an utterly pointless post. You can leave whenever.)
I have been idle for a very long time. Idleness is not good. It allows the mind to analyze things that don't really require an analysis. It also allows the darkness to invade, trespass. And seeing as it is not invited nor welcome, well, I have to find a way (or several ways) to drive it away. And I definitely do not, I repeat, do not like it. Because I was recently accused of that. "You like it or else you'd do something to change it." "You seem to enjoy your gloominess." Well, fuck you. I don't enjoy it. And thanks for adding to my feeling of abandonment. It's always a pleasure to be reminded just how alone you really are.
So yes, I am currently a little ball of darkness, swaying between sadness, immense sadness and scorching hatred, most of the time aimed at myself but sometimes it can be expanded to target other people. Which is something I truly abhor. Not knowing if I actually hate those people or if it's a passing thing is the worst feeling ever. I didn't consider myself capable of hating. Yet here we are. I have turned into a colossal jerk.
But in this state, at least I found the time to start watching Breaking Bad, late to the party as usual. The advantage of watching it now is that I don't have to wait for a new episode each week. Since almost every episode ends with a cliffhanger or, at the very least, an intense scene, I'm glad I have all the episodes waiting patiently for me. They don't have to be very patient though, I go through half a season every day. Being idle and all. Yeah.
I have been idle for a very long time. Idleness is not good. It allows the mind to analyze things that don't really require an analysis. It also allows the darkness to invade, trespass. And seeing as it is not invited nor welcome, well, I have to find a way (or several ways) to drive it away. And I definitely do not, I repeat, do not like it. Because I was recently accused of that. "You like it or else you'd do something to change it." "You seem to enjoy your gloominess." Well, fuck you. I don't enjoy it. And thanks for adding to my feeling of abandonment. It's always a pleasure to be reminded just how alone you really are.
So yes, I am currently a little ball of darkness, swaying between sadness, immense sadness and scorching hatred, most of the time aimed at myself but sometimes it can be expanded to target other people. Which is something I truly abhor. Not knowing if I actually hate those people or if it's a passing thing is the worst feeling ever. I didn't consider myself capable of hating. Yet here we are. I have turned into a colossal jerk.
But in this state, at least I found the time to start watching Breaking Bad, late to the party as usual. The advantage of watching it now is that I don't have to wait for a new episode each week. Since almost every episode ends with a cliffhanger or, at the very least, an intense scene, I'm glad I have all the episodes waiting patiently for me. They don't have to be very patient though, I go through half a season every day. Being idle and all. Yeah.
I know how you feel, man...
Another thing that happened... Pigeons now treat my balcony as the most awesomest nest ever. After witnessing one ugly little bird being born and growing and flying away, like birds do, there is now a second new mummy sitting comfortably in the nest that was empty a day ago. And I can't scare her away. I didn't try, of course. I wouldn't. Despite the mess that those birds leave behind, I can't do it. Call me a softie. Maybe I am.
The first "handsome" bugger.
Oh, and I read a lot of poetry. That's it. I don't have much to say. I will now go back to my cave and as it seems I'm in fact not having a heart attack, I'll see you soon, I suppose.
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