For the record, I don't condone lying. Little white lies, to keep people from getting hurt like "Your cat didn't suffer as it was dying after being hit by a truck, guts all over the street..." or "Why, yes, honey! Santa is real!" sure, knock yourselves out! (Well... Don't overdo it.) But I'm a big fan of being honest, no matter how cruel honesty can be sometimes. And that's not only because I've been lied to more times than I can count. Telling the truth is the best thing to do, under any circumstance, even if it ends up breaking a heart or two. That said... I am going to provide you with a guide on how to lie! Rejoice!
1- Keep track of your lies
If you're going to invent a dying aunt named Bertha, or even a whole incident which will help you avoid someone or simply make you look incredibly cool, make sure you remember the details. Names, places, times are important. If you choose to include them in your story, you MUST remember them. Because people will remember to ask about your aunt Bertha's health and her tragic accident which kept you from working on that assignment the week before, and "What are you talking about? I don't have an aunt Bertha!" is NOT an acceptable answer. In case you don't feel like making up a relative, you can always use an anonymous stranger to help you out. A lady at the supermarket, a boy in the street... People with no names are easier to forget and no one will suspect you're a FUCKING LIAR if you do.
Always, always remember what lies you've told. If your memory isn't that good, write your lie down somewhere but make sure no one can find your little note.
2- Keep it simple
My friends used to joke about a guy who told them such ridiculous lies as "Man, I swear, I avoided getting hit by a comet today"! When telling a lie, you shouldn't let it become an action movie. Sure, saving an orphan from a burning building will give you extra coolness points, but nobody will believe you. You can swear that you've met an alien and had a cup of coffee with him/her but, guess what? Nobody will believe you! Now, getting a kitten down from a tree or avoiding getting hit by a speeding car, those are better options. Unless you want to go to extremes, you want to be Bruce Willis in Die Hard, in which case, yes, jumping from the roof of a building and walking away without a scratch, is an option as well.
3- Don't lie about people you hang out with
If you're telling your friend John about how your mutual friend, George, died last night, John will be terribly fucking surprised to see George alive and well the next day. He may even go so far as to ask "Hey, didn't you die last night, dude?" to which George will reply "I don't think so..." and boom! You've just lost two friends! But I guess you deserve it because LYING TO YOUR FRIENDS IS WRONG!
4- Be prepared
You can't expect to always be given time to construct a lie. You may have to make one up on the spot. In that case, all the previous rules apply. Be careful though. If you start sweating and stuttering, people will become suspicious.
5- Eye contact is important
Looking at the floor while lying is a hint that you are, in fact, lying. Or playing with your hair, as I'm told, but I always play with my hair so that statement may be false. Look people in the eye and they will believe you. Everybody trusts a person who looks straight into their eyes. I don't know why. We are built that way and it's kinda stupid when you think about it...
Some of you may find it hard to do all those things. I get it, really, I do. You know what you can try doing instead? DON'T FUCKING LIE! It's not worth risking your relationship with others, and it definitely isn't worth the time and thought you have to put into it. I'd much rather be told that my new highlights don't suit me at all than go about, glad about the choice which makes me look like a clown!
Do try telling the truth. It's liberating.
1- Keep track of your lies
If you're going to invent a dying aunt named Bertha, or even a whole incident which will help you avoid someone or simply make you look incredibly cool, make sure you remember the details. Names, places, times are important. If you choose to include them in your story, you MUST remember them. Because people will remember to ask about your aunt Bertha's health and her tragic accident which kept you from working on that assignment the week before, and "What are you talking about? I don't have an aunt Bertha!" is NOT an acceptable answer. In case you don't feel like making up a relative, you can always use an anonymous stranger to help you out. A lady at the supermarket, a boy in the street... People with no names are easier to forget and no one will suspect you're a FUCKING LIAR if you do.
Always, always remember what lies you've told. If your memory isn't that good, write your lie down somewhere but make sure no one can find your little note.
2- Keep it simple
My friends used to joke about a guy who told them such ridiculous lies as "Man, I swear, I avoided getting hit by a comet today"! When telling a lie, you shouldn't let it become an action movie. Sure, saving an orphan from a burning building will give you extra coolness points, but nobody will believe you. You can swear that you've met an alien and had a cup of coffee with him/her but, guess what? Nobody will believe you! Now, getting a kitten down from a tree or avoiding getting hit by a speeding car, those are better options. Unless you want to go to extremes, you want to be Bruce Willis in Die Hard, in which case, yes, jumping from the roof of a building and walking away without a scratch, is an option as well.
3- Don't lie about people you hang out with
If you're telling your friend John about how your mutual friend, George, died last night, John will be terribly fucking surprised to see George alive and well the next day. He may even go so far as to ask "Hey, didn't you die last night, dude?" to which George will reply "I don't think so..." and boom! You've just lost two friends! But I guess you deserve it because LYING TO YOUR FRIENDS IS WRONG!
4- Be prepared
You can't expect to always be given time to construct a lie. You may have to make one up on the spot. In that case, all the previous rules apply. Be careful though. If you start sweating and stuttering, people will become suspicious.
5- Eye contact is important
Looking at the floor while lying is a hint that you are, in fact, lying. Or playing with your hair, as I'm told, but I always play with my hair so that statement may be false. Look people in the eye and they will believe you. Everybody trusts a person who looks straight into their eyes. I don't know why. We are built that way and it's kinda stupid when you think about it...
Some of you may find it hard to do all those things. I get it, really, I do. You know what you can try doing instead? DON'T FUCKING LIE! It's not worth risking your relationship with others, and it definitely isn't worth the time and thought you have to put into it. I'd much rather be told that my new highlights don't suit me at all than go about, glad about the choice which makes me look like a clown!
Do try telling the truth. It's liberating.
4 claims:
Damn! Did you have to post this NOW? What were the possibilities? Daaamn!!
@Μικρός Μπετόβεν
Are you a liar, my sweet Little Beethoven? ;)
I bloody am lately. And I can't see a way out. I used to be a fan of honesty though, so I found your little, scary post quite handy. Daaamn Lu!
@Μικρός Μπετόβεν
Ha ha! I didn't mean to scare you. I can't read your mind or anything. Or can I??? Mwa ha ha!
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