The Snowmen!

In case you need to be told every single time... THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE! BEWARE!

I give you... poetry!

Vers de Société by Philip Larkin

My wife and I have asked a crowd of craps
To come and waste their time and ours: perhaps   
You’d care to join us? In a pig’s arse, friend. 
Day comes to an end.
The gas fire breathes, the trees are darkly swayed. 
And so Dear Warlock-Williams: I’m afraid—

Funny how hard it is to be alone.

I could spend half my evenings, if I wanted,  

Holding a glass of washing sherry, canted  

Over to catch the drivel of some bitch  

Who’s read nothing but Which;

Just think of all the spare time that has flown

Straight into nothingness by being filled  

With forks and faces, rather than repaid  

Under a lamp, hearing the noise of wind,  

And looking out to see the moon thinned  

To an air-sharpened blade.

A life, and yet how sternly it’s instilled

All solitude is selfish. No one now

Believes the hermit with his gown and dish  

Talking to God (who’s gone too); the big wish  

Is to have people nice to you, which means  

Doing it back somehow.

Virtue is social. Are, then, these routines

Playing at goodness, like going to church?

Something that bores us, something we don’t do well  

(Asking that ass about his fool research)  

But try to feel, because, however crudely,  

It shows us what should be?

Too subtle, that. Too decent, too. Oh hell,

Only the young can be alone freely.

The time is shorter now for company,

And sitting by a lamp more often brings

Not peace, but other things.

Beyond the light stand failure and remorse  

Whispering Dear Warlock-Williams: Why, of course—

 

And yet, somehow, things like that exist.

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The Angels Take Manhattan

 

Well, here be SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS! You have been warned.

Oh, cruel fate

I clicked on a link by mistake. Damned be the cursor and my index finger! I looked away and closed the tab! But it was too late. Because I can read surprisingly fast. And I read that sentence, the one sentence I shouldn't have never read which confirmed that what I fear, will come to pass.

Spoilers, spoilers, I try to avoid you but you are everywhere! You are sneaky and cruel! And I hate you...

I won't spoil anything for you. I won't. You have to wait until the Angels take Manhattan to know why I am so upset.

Also, I've had enough of Matt Smith. I want him gone. ASAP.

Also, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

We haven't had poetry in a while, right?

How very true! Poetry it is!

I'm ok

There are times when I manage to move my fingers, in spite of the almost unbearable heaviness of all my limbs and the sadness -which is becoming sort of a permanent condition rather than an emotion that comes and goes. I manage to move my fingers and I start writing. Short stories, poems, a few lines... It doesn't matter what. On MS Word, on napkins, in my notebook... It doesn't really matter, as long as I write. Far be it from me to brag about my writing skills! I don't believe I'm the next big thing. But I really do enjoy writing. No, I really do love writing! And I may never get to have my "work" published (except that one poem which was published in the school paper when I was 9) but I am a writer, damn it! It's who I am!

And here's how it goes. Those few times that I can work against myself and put sadness on hold, or rather, a stasis, I end up being completely surprised at how doing the thing I love, can heal certain wounds. Not all, not the serious ones but some, and that's something.

What prompted this? Well, I wrote six whole pages yesterday. You're probably thinking "Pfft! Six pages? Big fucking deal!" But it is a big deal. It's not easy. In fact, it's very hard. And I may delete most of the contents of those pages today or edit them until the words start to bleed, or even leave that project alone for some time. Writing six pages means it was a decent day. And I'm ok. Not great, just ok. I can live with that.

Old things will die

This is the second time that I can't come up with anything nice to post here. Nothing funny, nothing witty, nothing. There are definitely some issues in my head worth talking about, but I am unable to discuss them. I've been terribly busy, crying my eyes out for the last two days so you should cut me some slack! My dog died. He was a really good dog. I know every pet owner says that about their pets but this particular dog was one of the best, if not THE best! Have a look at some of his photos and let me go back to crying like an idiot.

 

 

 

How to lie

For the record, I don't condone lying. Little white lies, to keep people from getting hurt like "Your cat didn't suffer as it was dying after being hit by a truck, guts all over the street..." or "Why, yes, honey! Santa is real!" sure, knock yourselves out! (Well... Don't overdo it.) But I'm a big fan of being honest, no matter how cruel honesty can be sometimes. And that's not only because I've been lied to more times than I can count. Telling the truth is the best thing to do, under any circumstance, even if it ends up breaking a heart or two. That said... I am going to provide you with a guide on how to lie! Rejoice!

Peanuts cry???

I mean... Of all the search words that bring people to my blog, this phrase is perhaps the strangest ever! Peanuts cry? What does that even mean? Who searched for this? In case the person who searched for "peanuts cry" sees this, please, contact me! I need to know what was on your mind! Please!

Gayism and cookies

Let’s all be shocked at the same time and gasp because Oreo supports gayism!

On God and parenting

To be completely honest, this post may have been inspired because I've been listening to JCSS songs today. But seeing as I am a spiritual person (I am! Shut up!), it's also something that I think about a lot. After all, every human being has contemplated the existence of God or some sort of supreme being -watching over us lovingly or messing with us like we're toy soldiers on a huge tactical map- at some point. And I don't mean to insult anyone's beliefs. This is just my opinion.

Essay: Why Loki Should Have Killed His Foster Family

Why Loki Should Have Killed His Foster Family

(A Study On Loki’s Psyche, or Who To Blame)

(Before I present my arguments as to why I think Loki should have killed his family, let me explain that murder is only acceptable, necessary even, within the realms of literature and cinema, for artistic reasons, and should not be considered as a solution in real life situations.)

Random memory

It came to me just as I was about to sleep. It's been sooo long ago but it still cracks me up. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to share it with you, it's just too brilliant to be locked in the drawers of my mind forever!

When I was really, really young and curious and stupid, my best friend and I decided to watch porn. (By saying really, really young, I don't mean at the tender age of  9. But I don't think we were much older than 14.) I don't even remember where we got it from, seeing as the internet wasn't a popular option back then. Or at least, it wasn't for us. So, we sat down, feeling very guilty but proud at the same time, and watched a plumber get it on with a lady of questionable morals. (What is it with plumbers anyway?) Needless to say, we giggled and we blushed more than we focused on watching the movie.

But as the plumber was... ahem... let's say, taking care of the lady, with the use of a FREAKING SCREWDRIVER, he stopped and said "Let me get the big screwdriver out" *wink wink*. Not a very original metaphor, right? Except, he did exactly that! He went and got an even bigger screwdriver which he proceeded to use on the poor woman's vagina! And all the time I was watching that, I couldn't help but think... Who wrote that script? (Assuming there was a script of course...) Who was the genius behind that wonderful piece of comedy?

Please, tell me I'm not the only one who finds that hilarious!

Class of 2002

My high school reunion took place last night. Or I think it did, because I haven't seen any proof of that yet. But if it did, I am willing to bet you anything that it was definitely not as fun as my former classmates thought it would be. Of course I didn't attend. Why would I? It's not that I believe high school reunions shouldn't exist. It's that I couldn't think of one good reason to convince myself to attend this one. Let me explain...

Writer's Log: Day 10

I have made the -very painful- decision to stop trying to be a writer. Looking at several of my old and not-so-old projects, I realized that I don't actually stand a chance, lacking the talent and all. I guess I'm not an artist. Never was. It makes me sad but I will be spared further disappointment, so now is the time to end this madness.

I will keep the blog going -after all, I need it to help me blow off some steam. But I'm done with the poems and the short stories and the novels. There goes my dream, my only ambition... You can't imagine how hard it is...

Have a nice day.

Writer, over and out.

I hate it when...

...my friends tell me what to do and expect me to obey, as if their opinion should be considered as THE LAW! (Bitch, back off! You're invading my bubble! Get out of my bubble!)

...I know I have to study for my exams but my brain refuses to work with me and keeps daydreaming.

...the mirror is exceptionally cruel to me.

...people engage me in conversation about sex but are shocked by the fact that I am actually willing to talk about it, instead of blushing and giggling like an idiot. (If we are old enough to do it, we are old enough to talk about it. If you don't want to talk about it, then don't bring it up as a subject. Moron.)

...I realize that I'm a better writer when I'm drunk.

...I'm buying another pair of shoes which I know I don't need, but can't stop myself from doing it. (I'm crying inside, seriously.)

...prejudice, hatred and ignorance beat logic, respect and compassion.

...the world becomes too much for me to bear.

...my beta disappears for two weeks (and counting).

...I write another random blog entry that no one cares about. (Meh...)

What up, bitches?

Yeah, I don't want to rub it anyone's face or anything but I'm going to London tomorrow! :)

And I'm going to see John Simm perform at the Crucible and Harry's going to be there and fun is going to be had! You might even say, it's going to be legendary... (It's Barney Stinson Appreciation Week! Deal with it!)

Word of the day: jubilant.

:))

Hyalma

One of my most used nicknames. It's not such a big secret anyway. So I'll tell you what it means.

Hyalma means "seashell".

In Quenya.

Because I'm a dork.

There you have it.



(It might be a good day to ask me questions. I seem very eager to let secrets spill today. If you have a question, any question, I will answer it.)

Not yet

We're not done yet, buddy. I'm not asking for fifteen more years. Just... Not yet. Alright?

Lack of sleep

Once again, I can't sleep. I tossed and I turned and my boyfriend kept gritting his teeth in his sleep and that didn't help at all! So, since there's no one here to talk to, what else could I do but write a completely pointless -and maybe slightly annoying- blog entry? Yay for you and me as well! Yay for all of us! (Are you beginning to understand just how pointless this is? Hmm?)

Why can't I sleep, you ask? Because of various reasons. Which I will explain. Yes, I will. But first, let me show you this fanvid I made!

                                                                                                                                                               

(Loki/Tom Hiddleston may be partially to blame for my lack of sleep. Partially. Because sometimes, when I close my eyes, his grin pops up into my head and it makes my veins tingle and my heart beat faster and who could sleep while feeling so excited?)

Now, where was I? Oh, yes! The reasons! I'll tell you all about the reasons. First of all, know that I love sleeping. Seriously, if it was possible to sleep for a whole week, I would do it. That's how much I love it. But you see, I have a brain which never rests. NEVER. As soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain starts whispering to me about things I've done in the past, embarassing or mean, it doesn't matter. My brain whispers and drives sleep away. Then, my stomach starts aching and I end up looking at the ceiling, sighing as my eyes refuse to shut. You can't imagine how frustrating that is, needing to rest but being unable to! In case you can imagine or actually know what that feels like, well, doesn't it suck???

When I was younger, I used to make up stories about myself or imaginary people when I went to bed, so I could relax and have nice dreams. And it used to work. But now? Pffft! The story evolves and I have to follow it, see where it will lead. Sometimes, it even takes months to reach an end to one story and then, I just begin another! Because no matter how much I need to sleep, the need to create a story is stronger than anything. 

One more thing that can successfully keep me up is noise. In general, I enjoy noise, cars speeding by, dogs barking... Noise is a sign of life, noise is good. But there are certain noises which aren't as comforting. Like, someone trying to pick a lock. The lock of my door. There's no one there, of course. No one is trying to get inside my house but BAM! I'm wide awake and if my ears could stretch, they would be doing that very thing. There's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there...

And the teeth gritting my boyfriend does EVERY FUCKING NIGHT is killing meeeee! (I get crazy when it comes to teeth because I like mine so much. It's not that they're special or anything. I just like them and want to keep them intact forever.) But seriously, you guys! It's like he's chewing rocks! Next to my ear! It's unbearable! And it makes me want to smack him right in the face! He doesn't deserve to be smacked, of course, so what do I do? I get up, go to the kitchen, drink some water and OH MY GOD I CAN STILL HEAR THAT HORRIBLE SOUND!!! How does he even do that??? I can still hear it from here, at the other side of the house! I swear, if he wasn't so perfect, I would be using my pillow to suffocate him right now...

There are also times when I can't sleep for no apparent reason at all. My brain decides to black out and there's no Loki and no story and no guilt and no burglar. But I can't do it. I can't sleep. I just lie there, blinking. And blinking. Aaaaand blinking. Still blinking. The sun rises, a new day begins. Fuck this shit! I'm going to make some coffee!

Have a nice day! :)

Do we really have to go through this again?

This morning started out badly. I woke up because I felt itchy all over, due to mosquito bites. Mosquito bites make me extremely cranky! For some reason, I decided to check my Facebook, which is something I rarely do in the mornings. Facebook... Where I saw this.

Are you fucking kidding me??? NO! NO! Bad humans! Baaaaad!

Seriously, what is this? I don't know if I should be angry or amused. I'm leaning towards angry of course, but sometimes, stupidity can be a source of amusement. Before I begin one of my lovely rants, let's take a look at the definition of marriage by Merriam - Webster, shall we?

1 a (1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage  

b : the mutual relation of married persons : wedlock 

c : the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage

2 : an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected; especially : the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities

3 : an intimate or close union 

And even if that isn't enough for you, know this. Definitions are made by people. The definition of something can be altered through the course of time, as it should. So keep up with the times, people! If you prefer thinking like a moron from the Dark Ages, that's your business but please, let the rest of us evolve as a species! You're holding us back! We want to move forward! Forward!

As you know, people are allowed to comment on pictures on Facebook. That, of course, isn't always a good thing because some people shouldn't be allowed to use neither speech nor writing as a means of communication. Some people should be handed a fur skirt and a bat and sent back in time, hunting dinosaurs, where they so obviously belong!

Stupid bimbo says:

What the Bible says about Homosexuality: "That is why God abandoned them in their inmost cravings to filthy practices of dishonouring their own bodies - because they exchanged God's truth for a lie and have worshipped and served the creature instead of the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen."

(You  do realize that the passage you're quoting isn't exactly about homosexuality, right? Right? Right???)

Stupid bimbo also says:

Are you an instrument of God or. Instrument of homosexuality? There is no between.

(That's it? These are my only two options? Because here I sat, thinking that I was a person, just a person, who wants to be treated fairly and treat others fairly as well. This matter has nothing to do with God, stupid bimbo! It has to do with people and their feelings and their rights! So, if I must absolutely choose between the two, I guess I am an instrument of homosexuality. In the sense that I want homosexuals to be treated equally and not discriminated against, then yes, I am an instrument of homosexuality. Hey, God, sorry! No hard feelings, huh?)

Normal-looking person says:

Heck NO!!!Life is about being happy! So if 2 men are happy together then let them be, it's the same with 2 women. We are not here to judge others and their way of life. I don't care what you think or what you have to preach about the bible. The main thing God wants from us is to live our lives happy! Everyone should be treated equally, and not be constantly put down by our peers and family members.

(Finally, a ray of light! I was beginning to think there weren't many of you out there!)

Super-Christian-I'm-Gonna-Save-The-Crap-Out-Of-You-Whether-You-Want-To-Be-Saved-Or-Not-woman says:

Amen cause God didn't make Adam & Steve or Eve and Eve!

(This thing about Adam and Eve has got to stop! Don't you know that the story of Adam and Eve is a cute myth some people thought of, so that they could explain their own existence before science came into the picture? That's exactly what it is! A myth! Treat it as such! Adam and Eve never existed, unless they were a couple living in a cave, freezing side by side, because fire hadn't been invented yet! Get over it already!

And you may discard my opinion as nonreligious but that doesn't instantly make me Satan or one of his followers. It just seems that my God and your God are two entirely different entities. Mine happens to be a nice one, whereas yours happens to be a tormenting figure, made out of spite and crazy rules. Also, there are other religions besides Christianity out there which you should respect. Because that's what Christianity teaches. Respect and love. But I guess those two concepts are lost on you, aren't they?)

Extremely sarcastic person says:

Let's bring back the Inquisition! That was Christianity at its finest. Christian laws were inforced!

(This person should be given an award! He made me laugh sooo hard, I thought my ribs would crack! Give him an award, I say!

He was being sarcastic. I checked his other comments too. Sarcasm at its best.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, leave gay people alone... Accept them. Let them get married! Let them raise children! Let them live their lives! Don't make them feel like they're some higher being's mistake! All this gay hate is getting out of hand. My faith in humanity is fading fast, so please, please, please, stop this nonsense and prove me wrong! Show me that you -we- are better than this! Please...

I see Russia, I see Latvia!

Yes, that's right! I check my stats and I see you! So, I have a favour to ask of you lovely Russians and Latvians! If you can take some time and translate this song for me, it would be great! I keep listening to it and I love it, but I have absolutely no idea what it's about! Can you do this little thing for me? Please?

And also,  Prāta Vētra (or Brainstorm, as they're known to us) rocks! :)

Writer's Log: Day 9

He says (again) that it's not his fault. It's never his fault. It must be my fault then (again)... He's safe in the knowledge that I will gladly accept the blame (again). I've been raised to do so, after all! It's only logical! And I'm an idiot because I get some sort of sick pleasure out of it, making others feel happy and safe, while neglecting to do the same thing for myself. Like a Mother Teresa syndrome but not quite.

I know a thing or two about nightmares and the people that cause them. I know how it feels, wanting to sleep but being afraid to close your eyes. I know all about guilt. About things you've done or wish you had. And I know perfectly well that, even though I am my own worst enemy, my personal hell is other people and the disappointed looks they give me. They all disappoint me but God forbid I do the same to them! Well, you know what? I'm done!

I will write some magnificent poetry (even if no one ever reads it) and I will allow myself some pleasure, not the sick kind, no, the real kind! And I won't care about what he says or doesn't say, and he can fuck off for all I care! And I won't think twice before eating chocolate! No, sir, never again! And all this love I have inside my heart? You don't want it? Your fucking loss! I'm better off without whatever it was you thought you were offering me. You almost convinced me to stop writing, you pathetic little cockroach! Go back to your tiny desk and your "perfect" life while I write about how sorry I feel for you! I DON'T NEED YOU or your criticism which is not constructive AT ALL! Worthless? Maybe I am. But you're not fit to judge me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAvengers!!!!

The love! The love that is oozing out of every pore of my skin right now (and will probably continue oozing for at least 48 hours) is unbearable! I could very well describe my feelings about this movie using very eloquent expressions, such as aaaargh and blargh, because I am, in fact, speechless! (A very rare phenomenon but it is known to happen from time to time.)

Can I be allowed to live in the Marvel universe? Like, in a corner or maybe in a cave? (On second thought, not in a cave... Bad things usually happen in caves, so let's avoid them.)

As you can tell, I finally saw THE AVENGERS FUCK YEAH IT WAS AWESOME I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW AWESOME IT WAS! This is the title which you will use to refer to this movie from now on and I don't want to hear any objections! And this is my review! You can all go to hell, I have no words! Except... I love Tom Hiddleston! That's all. Have a nice day! :)

I really like blaming Harry for everything!

And I will now demonstrate just how much I like doing that. (Granted, not everything is his fault but he's my scapegoat of choice and in this case, who else could I blame really?)

I'd refrained from watching "Thor" -despite my extreme love of any and all superhero movies- because my sister had mentioned it to me SO MANY TIMES, I thought my ears would bleed. A stupid reason, you may argue and I won't disagree. But it seemed valid. Her drooling over Chris Hemsworth's abs didn't help change my mind. If anything, it made me even more determined to postpone watching that particular film, because abs are never a factor on which I would judge the quality of a movie.

Happily going on with my life, I managed to forget all about Thor; there were many other superheroes to keep me occupied. Not a thought in my mind about it! Until recently, when Harry said simply "Why haven't you seen it yet?". Since I couldn't remember the reason and having nothing better to do, I finally watched Thor. Sealed my doom, I did! Who cares about Hemsworth -I thought- just look at that villain! Look at his madness! Yes, I did it again! I developped a crush on the villain! (How come I still find that surprising?) In my head, Loki/Tom Hiddleston equals perfection. And as you must have realized, that is Harry's fault! I am now waiting for him to get his ass to Athens, so we can go see The Avengers, where I will squee like a teenaged fangirl! (On another matter, are the Avengers trying to stop Loki from ruling over our planet? Why would we not want that to happen???)

Because I cannot wait until then though, I had to watch another movie. Why did I choose one that broke my heart when I could tell right from the start that it would actually BREAK MY HEART? (Because I'm an idiot. Moving on...) "The Deep Blue Sea" *sigh sigh sigh* in which the wife of a British Judge is caught in a self-destructive love affair with a Royal Air Force pilot. I should have stopped watching when Freddie stormed out... I told myself to stop watching but I wouldn't listen! (I can't blame Harry for this and yet, I will!) It is now 3 in the freaking morning and I'm crying my eyes out. Damn you, Hiddleston! Damn you and your brilliance and your smile! But most of all, damn you, Harry and the distance between us which doesn't allow you to be here already, watching The Avengers with me!!!

(Gosh, I love you Rachel Weisz! You look so perfeeect!)

By the way, "The Deep Blue Sea" was a wonderful movie and you should seriously consider watching it, especially if you are a woman who enjoys romance and drama. For what it's worth, I think men can enjoy it as well, but I'm picturing a certain man (*cough* Stavros *cough*) whose reactions would turn it into a comedy and you're not aiming for comedy when you choose this film. Excellent, excellent film though!

Poetry? Poetry.

Remember by Christina Rosetti

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad. 

 

 

 

 

Future husbands- Number 3

It wasn't long before I realized that I never fancied human men. Never is a strong word of course, so let's make it, almost never. I almost never fancied human men. Why is that? Maybe it's because human men were everywhere around me all the time and therefore, lost their charm. I seriously doubt that was the real reason however; I, quite simply, was a weird kid and I turned out to be a weird adult as well...

Number 3 on my list: Goliath the Gargoyle. Goliath hatched in 938, possibly in Scotland and through a series of magical events, ended up in Manhattan in 1994. He was the leader (What a surprise! Another leader! Who would have thought!) of his clan of gargoyles, sworn to protect their castle and later on the humans of Manhattan. A regular badass, strong and ready to do some real damage. But at the same time, compassionate, kind and possessing a strong sense of justice. (And also, one more thing that has only recently come to my attention, a very sexy gaze! The way he looks at Elisa Maza sometimes... *shivers*)

Like all the good guys who simply happen to look different, he was betrayed by humans on more than one occasion. Did that make him go bitter and medieval on their asses? No! That's why he gets a 10 out of 10 score! He's a perfect combination of muscle, wit and emotion. He is also the best bodyguard, if you happen to be one of those types that don't exist during the day and only come out at night. Which I am.

Things he said that made me squee in excitement:

- No. Gargoyles protect. It is our nature. Our purpose. To lose that is to be corrupt. Empty. Lifeless.
(To Demona, episode: Reawakening)

- Only you would regard love as a weakness.
(To David Xanatos, episode: Eye of the Beholder)

-I do not want escape, I want vengeance!
(To Demona, episode: Hunter's moon)

Blowing off some steam

(You don't have to read this if you don't want to. It's just me, metaphorically yelling some things at people who don't have the slightest idea about how much they frustrate me. I have told them nicely, I have literally yelled at them, the only thing that's left for me to do, is actually draw them a picture of myself, erupting like a volcano. Maybe then they'll figure it out.)

Number 1:
You are always being a little bitch about how nobody asks your opinion before doing something but let me tell you, you are the master of doing that very thing! Not everything in the household revolves around you and your plans. We don't need to ask you before inviting someone over, the same way you never asked us. So get over it! (And also, most of your friends are jerks. Having them around is not a pleasure. We've had to bite our tongues many times and I, personally, would be a happy individual if I never saw their stupid faces again.)

Number 2:
Stop calling me. I don't have much to say to you. Just stop.

Number 3:
I hate having to kick you out of my house but I see no other way of stopping your constant criticism. I am not you. I do things differently. If you could get that in your head, we would get along just fine. Really, I love you but you make me soooooo mad!!!

Number 4:
Did I mention that I'd like you to stop calling me?

Number 5:
Your obsession with going to the doctor is starting to look very much like, you know, an obsession. I fucking sneezed! I don't need to see a doctor to tell me I'm allergic to spring! Why don't you go to the doctor? Ask him to take a close look at your brain? I think it may be malfunctioning.

Number 6:
I am NOT, I repeat, NOT pregnant!

Number 7:
Seriously, stop calling me.

6 days and counting

Was it something I ate? Have I got the flu or something? Is my liver finally giving up on me? I don't know what it is but it's fucking annoying! Seriously, nausea, this isn't working. I have things to do! Go away!

(No, dad! I'm not pregnant so please, please, please, stop grinning! I'm sick enough as it is!)

Identity and Names

A few years ago, I chose the name "Lu" as my signature. There's nothing wrong with my given name, in fact it's very beautiful and I like it very much. It simply isn't a name people write songs about. Not that "Lu" is. But I chose it. I used it as nickname, signed it under my poems or other "literary" works and I've even heard people say it but not to address me, just rolling it around their tongues, to see how it feels. Some of them even said that it sounds good, that they like it. But no one called me that. And that's okay, I guess. Fine by me. Because I don't really mind, not really. Despite the fact that I didn't choose it, I will always answer to my given name. Always.

But a friend called me Lu the other day and it was shocking. No one had ever done that! I was walking -no, fleeing! I was running away from a crowd because I always run away from crowds; I can't breathe when there are too many people around and just how fucked up is that? (Oh, how very poetic!) And I couldn't think straight because their voices created a buzz so unbearable, I thought blood might come out of my ears! I was feeling dizzy, focusing on my feet, to make sure that they were working properly and carrying me out of the building, into the night, into the dark, away from all those people that I found so intimidating! And then I heard it.

I didn't stop though. I thought my ears were playing tricks on me. Nobody EVER says that name, not to me, not to acknowledge me as Lu. So I kept going. And he said it again. And I had to stop. I'm sure he didn't know how much it meant to me, saying that name, calling me by it but the second time I heard it, I wasn't as scared by the crowd anymore. Because I couldn't lose my self inside it, because I had an identity and he made me understand that. (My agoraphobia wasn't magically cured, of course but I'll take what I can get.) When I turned to look at him, he kept talking, as if he hadn't said something important just then. And he hadn't really. He had called me by my name and that's a simple thing, mundane, dull. Except it isn't.

So let me tell you about Lu. She's honest, cruelly honest most of the time and people think she's just being a bitch. But she isn't. She is loving and caring and if you give her time, you will find a true friend in her, even though earning her friendship is not an easy task. Sure, she's dysfunctional in many ways but she has good qualities, maybe less than her flaws, but enough to make up for them. If you don't want to waste your time on her, she will be slightly hurt but she can live with that. Because she has words. Words that float inside her head, all the time and as long as she has that, she doesn't need anything else. Despite her kindness, you shouldn't attempt to cross her. Because she will never forgive you. And words being her superpower, she can devastate you with a sentence, a single sentence that you would have never thought could do much damage but she was never foolish enough to underestimate the power of words. And she writes. It doesn't matter what she writes as long as she does. As long as she never stops.

She will never willingly hug you, never attempt to kiss your cheek and never hold your hand when you need it. But she will always find the right thing to say, even if it takes her a little longer than most people. And you should listen to her advice. She gives great advice which she never follows. Do you know how easy it is for me now, to say "I am Lu"? Just because someone let the name roll around his tongue. Not to see how it sounds, how it feels, how it tastes... Not to mock me with it! But because -or so I think- he saw Lu in me, without me having to explain who she is. Who I am.


(All that drama... And for what? Because you said my name. Thank you!)


Have you ever thought about how much power a name holds? Whenever someone calls you Helen or Sarah or Peter or whatever your name might be, do you stop to wonder who that person is? Because I do. And I find it magnificent! How there can be seven Peters in a room and not one of them is the same as the other, despite their names! They are all Peter but they're not! (Does that make any sense?) And maybe there's a Jim inside a Peter, or a Peter inside a Sarah or a Helen inside a Sarah and no one will ever know! But I hope each one of them knows who they are inside because I've lived without a sense of identity for so many years and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Okay (?)

There will be good days...











And there will be bad days...









But you know what?







Won't it?