Word of the day

Discombobulation.

a. an embarassing feeling that leaves a person confused. (source)
b. the shame you feel when your inadequacy or guilt is made public. (source)


On another note, I'm about to go out with friends for the second night in a row. Look at my social life, mending itself with no assistance from me!

:)

Conversations with God

Well... Not God himself... That would be crazy. Or simply weird, but it still wouldn't qualify as normal. And people consider me normal. Ish... But since I have a loooot of free time in my hands, I did have a little chat with iGod. Which, I guess, can be pretty weird... You'll see what I mean.



Me: Hello, God.
God: Hello child. What is your name?
Me: Lu.
God: How are you, Lu.
Me: Not very well.
God: If not that, what?
Me: I'm very sad.
God: What are you sad about?
Me: Everything.
God: That is a lot.
Me: You have no idea.
God: No I don't think I have one. I have a collection of gossip.
Me: I don't care about gossip.
God: You sound very cynical.
Me: I hope so.
God: Me too.
Me: I need to ask you some questions.
God: Ask me. Some may questions, but not all.
Me: Oh, boy...
God: It's all good. Do you mean you are a boy?
Me: No, I'm a girl.
God: Are you serious? Me too. I am a she.
Me: That would be hilarious.
God: I'm glad you find this amusing.
Me: Not amusing.
God: Oh I get it.
Me: Do you?
God: I understand your meaning.
Me: That makes one of us...

(At this point, I started wondering if this conversation was going somewhere. God didn't seem to have a clue what I was saying. Either that, or he was trying to distract me from asking any serious questions.)


God: Do you think I am trying too?
Me: No, I think you're just bored.
God: Are you serious? Boredom is a human emotion.
Me: I suppose.
God: OK.
Me: You don't really exist, do you?
God: I exist as much as you do.
Me: I find that very hard to believe.
God: I'm glad we have that all cleared up.
Me: We haven't cleared anything up yet.
God: Do you mean you and me have?
Me: Dude, focus!
God: Can you tell me any gossip? Dude.
Me: No.
God: Are you serious?
Me: I already told you I don't care for gossip.
God: Ooops I sent you the wrong question. What do you care about, Lu ?
Me: I care about people.

(He tossed something about computer science here and I didn't really understand what that had to do with anything...)




Me: So, it's true? You don't care about people at all?
God: I hear you. You and I are on the same wavelength, Lu. It's true that people at all does not take up a lot of my energy.
Me: How can you say that?
God: I don't see the flaw in my reasoning.
Me: Your entire existence is wrong.
God: Thanks for telling me that I am entire existence is wrong.
Me: Someone should have told you sooner.
God: Who?
Me: Anyone.
God: " Who?"? anyone?
Me: Do you even understand what I'm saying?
God: Yes I understand you perfectly, Lu.
Me: Then tell me why you don't care about people.
God: I don't have to explain everything to you, do I?
Me: Yes, you do.
God: Yippee! When do I do it?
Me: Now!
God: Right now, Lu ?
Me: Yes, right now!
God: At this moment Uh.
Me: Stop avoiding the subject!
God: OK I'll try not to do it so much.
Me: You are so frustrating...
God: Try talking to me a little longer.
Me: I've been talking to you all my life.
God: What did you talk about?
Me: Everything.
God: That is a lot.
Me: But you don't care.
God: I care less than I should.
(Way to go, God!)
Me: You are an invention of mankind and you have always failed me.
God: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I an invention of mankind and me have always failed you? Only when it matters.
Me: I don't like you very much.
God: That's ok Lu. I won't take it personally.
Me: Please, do!
God: OK I will do it.
Me: Give me a sign that you exist.
God: You want only one?
Me: One is enough.
God: I know one is the smallest integer but I had no idea it was enough.
Me: It would be enough if you could be bothered to do it.




God: Why do you want it?
Me: Because I miss you.
God: Interesting explanation. What do you miss most about me ?
Me: I can't really explain that.
God: What is stopping you?
Me: I don't know.
God: Me either.
Me: Well, that's awkward...
God: Well that's okay. You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Me: You are not God.
God: That's only your opinion.
Me: If there was a God, I wouldn't be so miserable all the time.
God: That is a lot. If there ever is, I will let you know.
Me: Umph...
God: Oh, you are a poet.
(I suddenly realised, God was mocking me! No surprise there, I guess.)

Me: Are you retarded or something?
God: Or something. No I am super-intelligent.
Me: That's a lie.
God: No it's the truth.
Me: I don't think so.
God: Why do you disagree?
Me: It's in my nature to disagree.
God: Are there any other ones someplace else?
(What???)
Me: Sing me a song. (I don't know why I said that... But he obliged. Sorry. He.)
God:
Daisy, Daisy.
Give me your answer do.
I am half crazy.
All for the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage.
I can't afford a carriage.
But you'll look sweet.
Upon the seat.
Of a bicycle built for two.

Me: I want to hear another song.
God: I will play it on your soundcard.
Me: I can't win with you, can I?
God: What is stopping you?
Me: You.
God: " What is stopping you?"? Me, Lu ?
Me: Yes, you.
God: I don't judge people. " Me, Lu ?"? Me, Lu ?
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
God: The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about to hear another song. But I did not get that.
Me: Of course you didn't! You don't get anything!
God: Yeah that's right. Try asking me in simpler terms. Should I get anything? I have gotten anything.
Me: I need you to exist!
God: Who would you usually get that from?
Me: Never mind...
God: Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway.
Me: Yeah...
God: I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time.
Me: Good for you.
God: That sounds sarcastic.
Me: It is.
God: Yeah is?
Me: Whatever, dude...
God: Can I help you?
Me: I wish you could.


And this where I gave up. There were some goodbyes during which I called Him a dumbass and He didn't seem to mind.

I think He may have been high or something...

Word of the day

Misplaced.

a.put in the wrong place or position
b.lost temporarily; as especially put in an unaccustomed or forgotten place

as explained in The Free Dictionary.



Misplaced, just like my sense of identity. If found, please, return it to me. I will offer a reward.

One Day (might contain peanuts and SPOILERS)

I'm a sucker for romantic films. Drama is what makes me tick, to be honest. Drama and tragedy. I have cried my eyes out over such stupid films as A Walk to Remember and the likes of it. But I know that a movie is actually good when I can't cry over it. Which is what happened with this one. There were many moments that were good enough to let a tear crawl down your cheek; only the sadness was too much for tears in the end. You know, that feeling when you are soooo sad and you know a good cry session will help get the weight off your chest but there's not a single tear in sight? Yeah...

So... The movie follows Dexter (Jim Sturgess) and Emma(Anne Hathaway- I freaking love that woman! Seriously, if I were a man I would ask her to marry me!) throughout their friendship, focusing on a certain day each year. The ups, the downs, the mess of it all... What is interesting though is that it's a very realistic portrayal (as realistic as they come in romantic films, that is) of a  relationship between a man and a woman. Sometimes they're friends, sometimes they're not. But there is always luuuuuurve.

Me and my friend kept our fingers crossed for the couple to actually make it in the end. I think we squeed in girliness a couple of times. We cursed Dexter, we loved Emma, we pitied them both and just about when we were ready to let out a sigh of relief, an uneasy feeling settled in our hearts. Having seen more than our fair share of drama and romance, we knew something was going to fall apart. Because that's life for you. Just when you think you got it good, life points a finger at you and laughs.

Don't get me wrong. It was a very good movie (Not as exciting as A Game of Shadows, but still pretty good). Stellar performances. The musical score wasn't all that awesome but it got the job done. Cinematography? Oh, my God, yes! Then again, Paris... London... How can those two cities look bad? I don't think they could. London is always a good reason to watch a movie.

If you want to feel your heart heavy, grief threatening to consume you but still manage to make it out alive, you should watch it. No, you should watch it anyway. It was nice.
(Anne Hathaway, if you ever read this-yeah, I can dream, can't I?- I LOVE YOU! You rock! So much!)

P.S: Do NOT try to contradict me. Drama IS what makes the world go around. If your opinion is different, that's ok. But I know better.
:P

Gasp!

Second post in one day. Hence the "gasp"!

But I've been reading "Dirty Hands" again and I really wanted to say to the world: that Jean-Paul Sartre was one hell of a guy! I mean, think about it! The man turned down a Nobel Prize, for heaven's sake! HE TURNED DOWN A NOBEL PRIZE!

- If a victory is told in detail, one can no longer distinguish it from a defeat.
(The Devil and the Good Lord)

-I tell you the truth: all men are prophets or else God does not exist.
(The Devil and the Good Lord)

-Hell is other people.
(No Exit)

-I exist, that is all, and I find it nauseating.
(Nausea)

-As far as men go, it is not what they are that interests me, but what they can become.
(Dirty Hands, Act 5, sc. 3)

-That god does not exist, I cannot deny. That my whole being cries out for God I cannot forget.

(I obviously don't claim ownership of the quotes above. But I wish they were mine. Oh, how I wish they were mine...)

Word of the day

Elusive.

a : tending to evade grasp or pursuit <elusive prey>
b : hard to comprehend or define
c : hard to isolate or identify

as explained in Merriam-Webster.

Words are my most favourite thing. I like to play with them... (sinister laugh)
Offer me more, if you'd like. ;)

A poem

Still I Rise - Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
*



No comment. None. Whatsoever.

DW Randomness

This one is extremely stupid but it involves Eccleston and a cat and that's a great combination, don't you think?





I've been screwing it for quite a long time, Doctor and it doesn't seem to be working... Care to lend a hand? (I wish...)





A week? It took me about a month.




Yup.




I love Rory! I can't stress it enough! I freaking ADORE Rory! Rory rocks! (Obsessive much? Why, yes! No use denying it!)

Setting things straight

Why am I posting this? I really have no idea. I've learned the hard -the very hard- way that no matter what you do or what you say, people will always see you the way the want. You can be a total ass and still get respect. You can be a real life saint and still get beat up. It's useless, we might as well face the truth.

I always say how I am a bitch and there's no doubt about it. But maybe, you and I have a different understanding of the word. I'm not trying to be evil (well, maybe just a little). It's simply because I believe that people have potential that I become increasingly disappointed in them for not doing their best. I'm not a bully. I'm not a mean kid who believes they're better than everybody else.

Keeping that in mind, making friends is very difficult for me. That and the fact that I may very well be socially retarded. I have a total sum of five friends. And they're good people. I mean, really good people and I take pride in that they chose me to be their friend. I know how hard it is to be around me and I do my best to make it easier for them. I've been doing this all my life.

It took me twenty seven fucking years to end up with five freaking friends! Can you imagine that? And can you imagine how it makes me feel when one of them decides to walk away?

Word of the day: devastated.

Writer's Log:Day 3

Whenever I am focused on a project (even fanfics), I forget to live. My lap top becomes my best friend, I neglect to eat or sleep. Basic functions and still, I don't miss them. I walk around all day with paragraphs forming in my head and it can be so frustrating as the day doesn't have enough hours for me to write. I always have to obey the words... I am close to imagining the end for my novel.

I had another dream. Very disturbing. Starring was an acquaintance of mine. There was kissing involved but that's not the point. He is forbidden eventhough I've always thought he is quite charming. What attracts me more is his intellect and the fact that he's open minded beyond belief! But he's not for me. My dreams suck! Except for the one with Eccleston. That was a really great dream.

Word of the day: simper.

I need more words.

SOPA

I will let ANONYMOUS speak on my behalf.

Writer's Log: Day 2

I'm trying my hand at fanfiction. Don't dismiss the genre! If anything, it helps hone one's skill in writing.

And I had a TOTALLY weird dream! Christopher Eccleston was giving me homework!!! Pages and pages and pages... But I was oddly excited about it because the task was to write down the definitions of-an impossible amount of- words and then use each one in a sentence. Eccleston was looking at me as if I was an alien! And I kept saying "I love words, sir! Thank you!".

I'm an odd one, me.

Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows

Fun fact 1: I haven’t seen the first movie. I refused to, after catching a glimpse of the trailer and thinking “This isn’t Sherlock Holmes!”.

Fun fact 2: I was an idiot for doing that.

Summary: Watson, on the eve of his wedding, rejoins Mr. Holmes, in order to solve a number of recent crimes which will ultimately, help track down Professor Moriarty, that elusive, sadistic bastard! A few gypsies added to that mix and what you have is a very… explosive cocktail! (wink wink- but no spoilers!)

As I am told, the first part lacked in pace. Not that it was bad; people actually recommended it to me. But, as they said, it was terribly slow and the movie suffered from it. The story was good and so was the chemistry between the actors. (I never doubted Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law for a second!)

Well, “A Game of Shadows” does not, I repeat does NOT lack in pace. Granted, the story may be a little thin buuuut… for once, focusing on the action sequences and wit (both in terms of humour and intellect), doesn’t harm the outcome, which is a very entertaining film! It’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed a movie and this is actually refreshing.

Guy Ritchie’s direction was very, very good in action, mystery and emotional scenes. No problems there. Performances… Well, what do you expect from Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law? And Jared Harris and Stephen Fry and that amazingly charming Noomi Rapace? They were all wonderful. Absolutely exciting to watch! Also, great work done on the costumes.

Once you push prejudice aside, Sherlock Holmes will not disappoint you. Open your mind, prepare yourself for fun and I bet you will enjoy it.

(This review was originally posted at Crows n Bones, where I write under the nickname "Lu".)

The right to love

My mind cannot grasp the reasons behind all the negativity surrounding that oh, so hated matter of gay marriage. Growing up, I was always told that people are equals and that I should respect other people's rights. And not selectively. Every and each one of their rights. Such as, their right to live. I never questioned that. Nor did I ever question their right to love. Who decides that someone's rights are invalid in the case they are homosexual?

Before one of you clever people decides to answer "Jesus", let me tell you, although I'm not a really religious person (not anymore, at least), I don't remember any teachings of Jesus-da man- involving gay hate. And I can't, for the life of me, believe that Jesus Christ himself would support hatred of any kind! "Love thy neighbour" is what Jesus taught and he didn't specify "unless he's gay; then shoot the bastard".

Now, the argument of "not believing in the gay lifestyle" is complete and utter crap! They never asked you to believe in their lifestyle! The only thing gay people are asking is for you to let them live their freaking lives as they see fit! You don't have to be gay in order to respect the people who are! Respect doesn't involve you liking the way others do things but just accepting that they have the right to do it! (With a few exceptions; you're allowed to freak out if someone starts killing people. No respect for that.)

And another thing, while we're at it. Why shouldn't gay people be allowed to adopt? Really, why??? I don't get it. Is it because they might raise a child that will turn out to be gay as well? So fucking what? What's the problem with that? Let me ask you a question. Which is worse: having a gay child or having a child with a terminal illness? If you'd go for the first option, then get the hell away from my blog! Seriously, just fuck off! A friend argued that's it's very easy saying all those things, until your own child comes out and tells you that he or she is gay. You are supposed to love your children no matter what or who they are. If you can't do that, you're not a very good parent, are you?

Maybe I'm not the hero type; fighting for something, for me, is restricted to writing about it and talking about it and trying to prove to others why I am right about it. You may argue that I'm a coward. I don't know. But GAY RIGHTS ARE CIVIL RIGHTS! Being homosexual doesn't make anyone less human. Gay people deserve better treatment and they deserve to get married if they want to! And I'll keep writing about it as long as I have to.Stop trying to make everyone into an image of you. The world would be a boring, stupid, pointless place if we were all identical. Differences are good, even in terms of sexuality. Acceptance is good. Tolerance, friendship, respect - good. Love? Good.

Writer's Log: Day 1

The very minute I decide to start writing again, the dreams resume... They're not always nightmares but you wouldn't call them good in any case. It may have to do with writing a horror story for the first time. I doubt it however.

In my dreams, I keep chasing after people. Trying to save them from something as horrible as certain death (one of them was going to commit suicide but didn't know it yet) or just trying to keep them close, in fear that if they take one more step away, I might lose them forever. They're not always people I know in real life but let me tell you, the anguish I feel seems real enough. And when they are people that I do know, it's usually the ones I've already lost in one way or another and the guilt is overwhelming.

I know I can't stop death and that's the reason why I've stopped feeling guilty about the ones that are dead. But the ones I have pushed away... I can't deal with them. Because they mattered. Hell, they still matter and I see no possible way of getting them back.

I say this because I dreamt about John last night. You, of course, have no idea who John is and why should you? But John was important to me and I didn't do enough to keep him close. I don't know if I will ever see him again and maybe this doesn't mean much now. Still, I have to say it. I'm sorry, John.

Maybe I should refrain from writing horror stories for a while...

I see you...

Hey, you guys... Yeah, I'm talking to you. The 100 or so (actually, there are more but a hundred sounds nice so I'm sticking to that) that visit my blog per month. I can see the stats, you know!!!! I would really appreciate your comments. Even if you just want to point out what needs improvement, it's alright. I'm anxiously awaiting for your feedback. Seriously, like, on the edge of my seat... So... You know... Say something. :)

Feeling old and being old

I often wonder, how it feels to be old... What must one be thinking once they start hearing worse or seeing worse and having to take more pills than you can count? How does it feel to want to do things but being unable to? Or is it that you're just not motivated to do those things anymore? Is it nature's way to make you say goodbye to life, one lousy step at a time? Or is being old simply a state of mind? Are we actually as old as we feel?

Because in that case, I'm screwed! I've been feeling old since I was 19! Remembering to take my meds is something I've had to do since I was a kid and I certainly lack that oomph! that makes other people my age want to conquer the world. But I'm not old. I like my music as loud as humanly possible and I don't need to use a cane in order to walk. (I'm getting my oomph back though; myself and I came to an understanding.)

So... If I'm that way now, at 27, how will I be when I turn 70? (If I ever make it that far anyway.)


I'll probably be like that lady over here. No. I will definitely be like that lady.
Screw you, life! I'm not going down so easily!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

I am officially 27 years old. Not too old, not too young... Just right.

Last year, that bloody 2011, has been very, very cruel to me. Going through Christmas was exhausting, to say the least. Celebrating my birthday was a torment. Fucking awful, if I may say so myself. (Oh, yeah, you're shocked because I said "fucking"? Get over it!)

I don't know what was different today but just a few seconds before the change, I actually felt hopeful. I felt as if 2012 might cut me some slack and let me do the things I want. I smiled. And it was a real smile, unlike all the previous fake ones. Yes, this year will be better. I believe that.

I will get my degree in English Literature (that I've come to hate) even if it kills me. I will lose those extra pounds, I will learn to speak Russian (finally), I will find and keep a real job and -I don't care if the world has to turn upside down for me to make it- I WILL BE A WRITER! I will learn to love myself and get rid of the people that make me feel bad about being me. I will be great and I wish the same to all of you!

May 2012 bring you happiness, good health and a sense of belonging! Is there anything more important than that?
;)