Most of the time, the ads on my facebook timeline are pretty much relevant to my interests, stuff I've googled and such. But there's this brilliant thing which shows up everyday, without fail, and it's starting to really irritate me, especially under the current circumstances...
What will your baby look like, the ad says. Come, click on me now and find out what features your progeny will be sporting, I have the answers you seek, it continues. (No, it doesn't, I'm just using this to make it sound more dramatic. Ooh.) And 400 people have already clicked "like". I mean, guys, come on... I don't care if the app or quiz, or whatever that thing's using to predict the future, is powered by magic or god's will, it won't be accurate. Even going by the rules of genetics wouldn't provide an accurate result concerning your children's looks! And why would you even want to know that in advance? It's not important!
But, of course, I'm telling you this, safe in the knowledge that my kids will look exactly like I think they will. Yes, I have seen the future and knowing exactly how every single relative I've ever had looked and also, having personally inspected every gene of mine, twice, I can say with certainty, this is what my children will be like:
My son will have the body of a tiger, stripes included. His claws will be sharp and deadly but he will know when to use them: only when he's trying to protect, himself or others. His head will be a normal human head, except it will be extraordinary. At night, his eyes will light up like beacons. They will hunt and find and kill each shadow that dares to frighten people, every dark corner he will fill with light. In his spare time, he will be able to solve the toughest riddles within seconds and he will consequently be bored and make up his own that no mere mortal will be able to solve, ever. He will know how to laugh. He will do that often and loudly and he will make others laugh as well. He will never be king but he will be my prince and when he builds his very own stone castle, on a newfound planet comprised mostly of water, he will declare that his door will always be open to those who need shelter or simply a fun place in which to spend a night or two.
My daughter will have three heads.One of them will have problematic hair, just like mine, but that will be her only resemblance to me. That head will have a small mouth which will be able to produce all the right answers to any questions ever posed. The other head will look normal, with the exception of its fire breathing mouth. The third head will be made of ice and everytime it sighs, we'll have three days of winter, no matter the season, heavy snowfalls and everything. Despite the sudden change in weather, there will be no effect on plants or the habits of animals. She will have long and thin fingers and she will be able to carve things on mountains (and wipe them off after people have read them); regardless of her preference to dirty haikus, she will only carve nice things and people will read them and be glad they did so. She won't have three hearts, she'll only have one and even though it will be ordinary in size, it will be metaphorically big and warm and kind. When the stars come out, she will turn her skin inside out and the colour will be different each time and she will be beautiful, always, and she will know it. And when I am old, she will sigh for me and she'll let me have winter for as long as I wish.
Take that, genetics.
What will your baby look like, the ad says. Come, click on me now and find out what features your progeny will be sporting, I have the answers you seek, it continues. (No, it doesn't, I'm just using this to make it sound more dramatic. Ooh.) And 400 people have already clicked "like". I mean, guys, come on... I don't care if the app or quiz, or whatever that thing's using to predict the future, is powered by magic or god's will, it won't be accurate. Even going by the rules of genetics wouldn't provide an accurate result concerning your children's looks! And why would you even want to know that in advance? It's not important!
But, of course, I'm telling you this, safe in the knowledge that my kids will look exactly like I think they will. Yes, I have seen the future and knowing exactly how every single relative I've ever had looked and also, having personally inspected every gene of mine, twice, I can say with certainty, this is what my children will be like:
My son will have the body of a tiger, stripes included. His claws will be sharp and deadly but he will know when to use them: only when he's trying to protect, himself or others. His head will be a normal human head, except it will be extraordinary. At night, his eyes will light up like beacons. They will hunt and find and kill each shadow that dares to frighten people, every dark corner he will fill with light. In his spare time, he will be able to solve the toughest riddles within seconds and he will consequently be bored and make up his own that no mere mortal will be able to solve, ever. He will know how to laugh. He will do that often and loudly and he will make others laugh as well. He will never be king but he will be my prince and when he builds his very own stone castle, on a newfound planet comprised mostly of water, he will declare that his door will always be open to those who need shelter or simply a fun place in which to spend a night or two.
My daughter will have three heads.One of them will have problematic hair, just like mine, but that will be her only resemblance to me. That head will have a small mouth which will be able to produce all the right answers to any questions ever posed. The other head will look normal, with the exception of its fire breathing mouth. The third head will be made of ice and everytime it sighs, we'll have three days of winter, no matter the season, heavy snowfalls and everything. Despite the sudden change in weather, there will be no effect on plants or the habits of animals. She will have long and thin fingers and she will be able to carve things on mountains (and wipe them off after people have read them); regardless of her preference to dirty haikus, she will only carve nice things and people will read them and be glad they did so. She won't have three hearts, she'll only have one and even though it will be ordinary in size, it will be metaphorically big and warm and kind. When the stars come out, she will turn her skin inside out and the colour will be different each time and she will be beautiful, always, and she will know it. And when I am old, she will sigh for me and she'll let me have winter for as long as I wish.
Take that, genetics.
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